Saturday, January 28, 2006
wat dae i had yesterdae. in camp n i was having so much to do. parade n parade n parade. even though this parade i did nt do anything, one whole dae of this is a killer. Being an IC is really tough. i donno wat to do. getting msg n calls from my sgt n officers to ask ppl to go down can oready kill me. ppl dont listen to me n even tok back. ppl i ask to do stuff scolded me back. its jus so hard being an IC. yesterdae, i was lying on my bed putting my face down onto the pillow n was like screaming. i cant take all this pressure n stress. having probs at home n nw in camp. how am i gonna survive all this? sigh
than todae during the real parade, i recived a msg from shawn n he told me than ken has jus pass away. when i recived that msg, i was shock at it for abt 5mins n suddenly tears came out of my eyes. my close fren who i noe ever since pri4 hav left all of us. remembering the times we do together. lion dance, snecking out of class to buy food from the canteen. toking so loudly in class, bullying the teachers, play pool, billiard n lan. n so much more we did together. but nw, all ends. after the parade, i was so sad, wanting to jus cry but there were so many ppl ard. so i jus called my officer n ask for permission to book out early to see my fren n he did. i rush out of camp n went straight to the hospital. when i reach there, all my frens were there oready. his mum was crying at one corner. later on, all of us went in to see him. when i step into his ward, i saw him lying there. so pale. so white. all of us crowd ard him n many of us tried nt to cry infront of so many ppl. n afew mins later, his mum came in. once his mum called out his name, she started crying really badly. n his dad gt to bring her out of the ward to the other room. when we heard her cry, most of us started to tear. how sad is this.
i realised that many of my close ones having been leaving me. last yr, so many deaths. this yr beginning oready hav one. it makes me think even more y this is happening. than it makes me realise that life is unpredictable. u nv noe when one can jus go. u might see him/her yesterdae n nv see him/her again. life isn't as long as many ppl thinks. treassure ur love ones.
im glad that the last time i saw him was during his bdae. ever since after secondary, we went seperate paths n did nt contact each other for awhile. jus last yr, he invited afew of us over to his place for his bdae. it was a last min thing n i did nt wanna go cos i was in queensway n he stayed at serangoon. somehow, i did nt reject him n went. had so much fun there. having steamboat. we tok n tok. so many of us who hav nt catch up with one another for a long time. after that, we cut cake n stuff than we head to hougang to play pool n billiard. after that, i became hungry n i wanted to go for supper but he told me that his hse had crabs. so only 3 of us went to his hse after billiard while the rest went home. we eat n eat n eat until we r bloated. than head to his room n we tok. tok abt old times. tok abt us when we were back in sch together.
i'll tressure the toks we had during that dae. i'll tressure the time we had together.
LOVE YOU KEN YEOW...
9:27 AM
Saturday, January 21, 2006
well, jus wanna apologise to all the frens that hav been there for me n guilding me all this while. joanne, may, abi, sia, queen, joette, ruth, sharon, reg, tany, jiahao, eddie, ian, shawn, ben, ah kieong, ah lau, skye, meatball, ah yue, andy, farhan, sam, audrey, nitestalker n so many other ppl. wow. realising that so many ppl in my life. so many frens to count on n depend on. im so fortunate to hav u all as my close ones. u all r like my family. even closer to me than my mom n dad n even sis.
i was thinking so much for afew daes n i realise one thing. ppl i mix with, i tent to be really close to them n i keep hanging on to them. feeling so comfortable in their pressense. but that brings me to somewhere where they r part of my life which i dont wanna let go at all.
i hav been really selfish. cant belive it. becos i felt this way, i brought everyone into this. becos of nt letting them go, i became a beast. i jus wan them to be in my life always. i jus wan them to go out with me n nt others. how selfish can i get. wake up that idea nukes.
i gess nw, its back to normal. from todae on, i gt to wake up n noe wat im doing. being selfish is nt the way. n i noe its hard but im gonna try one thing is that all of them r still my really gd frens, sisters, brothers, grand daughters, etc. but i gt to noe wat im doing. try nt to be too close to them or else it will be so hard. dont wan anything to happen the same way as wat had happen between grace n me. thank u all for everything. Yi luv u guysY.
1:34 PM
Monday, January 16, 2006
...
wats wrong? wat hav happen?
This r the qus that pop in my head. i felt like dirt. i felt like crap. did i do anything wrong?
ohh man... i felt as if my close frens r no longer there. i felt as if my close frens doesn't need me anymore. i felt so alone. so lonely. like ppl ard me isn't there anymore. like... ppl who i love to hang out with or had late nite toks on the fone isn't there anymore. did they change? or am i the one who is changing? y am i feeling like this? this feeling i cant explain. the feeling of rejection. so much to think but so little to do.
frens who im close with when im in sch. frens who r in church who encourage me n tok to me. frens that i always hang out with. i felt that they r all gone. felt like they r no longer the same person i knew before. i felt like being push away. is it them??? or izzit me?
i guess nw, many of them hav other ppl to lean on. to tell their probs to. they dont need me no more. i guess nw, they hav ppl who r close to. they hav ppl that they love. they hav new frens n they forgot that i im here. felt really rejected. donno who to trust. donno who to count on. i think its time nt to depend on them anymore. i guess nw, its all by myself n with God.
im so curious to noe who will be my partner in future. so that i could truly trust her n share my every prob. but to wait for that dae, its so hard. so long. but till that dae, i donno who to depend on.
ohh well, at least i gt God to depend on, to share my probs with.
7:05 PM
Thursday, January 12, 2006
thank you lord
Lord, i wanna repent n ask for Your forgiveness. I noe that i hav sin against u time after time n i keep repeating it. But Lord, u r a mercyful God n u forgive me. Lord, thank you for being there n helping me along. From this, i hav learn my mistake. Give me the streagth to do the things you told me to do n give me the heart to love the ppl ard me. Give me the wisdom to know wat im doing weather its rite or wrong. Holy Spirit, i pray that u come into my life n speak to me. nudge me when im doing wrong. You r a beautiful God. i desire you more n more. Thank you Lord. Pray all this in Jesus precious name, Amen.
Lets nt tok abt my dae in the morning. when i came home abt 30mins ago, i was super scared.
i was on mc for 7 daes but through this 7daes, i wasn't at home resting. i was in church n william fetch afew of us home in his car. on my way back, i recived abt 8 calls from my sgt but i did nt pick up the call cos i suspect that there is something wrong. than my mummsg me n ask me to call her back urgent. so at that point of time, i oready knew that my sgt hav called my mum oready. i quickly called back my mum n she told me that my sgt called her. i was so scared at that point of time but i was closed to home oready so i rush back home n tok to my mum abt it. later on, i decided to call my sgt n give some excuse abt nt being at home. he told me to go back camp tml to endose my mc n go back to my company n find him. umm... i hope that it will be fine.
well, lets jus see wat tml brings me to. all i could do nw is watch n see. nth else to do le. gt to pray. ciao.
12:09 AM
